What is anger?
Anger is an emotion in response to a perceived threat, danger, fear or infliction of pain, irrespective whether it is real or imaginary. It is probably the most feared emotional state we experience. It is socially discouraged for its creation of social conflict. Both aggressive and passive anger is deemed socially unacceptable. When you are angry your physical, mental or emotional survival mechanisms has been triggered in some way.
Anger is your medium or action to stop a threat from an outside force. It put you in opposition to another people. It is a state of resistance. Anger separates people. When we feel anger, we feel powerless and as if we have no control over a certain situation that is happening or is going to happen. Anger acts thus as a cover emotion for powerlessness, despair or fear. It keeps you out of the lower vibrations of fear and hurt. Anger just feels better than fear or hurt. Rage is not a personality defect. You can inflict detrimental damage with these patterns to all your relationships, if not cared for in a healthy way. Powerless and fearful people are more than often angry people.
How do we internalize anger?
When one fears anger, it is possible that you have been raised in a social group where it was absolute deemed bad. Because of the bad emotion it made you a bad person. In this case – you are too bad to be loved. Bad people don’t deserve love. You might have learned that it hurt people. You may feel powerless with this emotion; because a core belief may be that you will be left alone or be abandoned for being bad, by expressing how you feel.
You could have internalized irritation, rage or any other variation as method to manipulate people or get things your way. You might have grown up in a lifestyle where anger was amplified by irritable, explosive people, oversensitive to slights, ‘injustice collectors’
Anger is just an emotion; it is not good, wrong, bad, or evil, but critical to our survival. It is only good or bad according to the meaning you give to it as an emotion. Anger pulls us out of the feeling of powerlessness. It can be used to make situations look and feel smaller, and with the huge burst of energy we can take our power back. It now means that we have a choice on how to react to a situation. Never deny or suppress your feelings. It will only built up to burst out!
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- If you don’t allow yourself to experience anger, you will remain trapped in the lower emotions of despair, fear and powerlessness. Anger is a more empowered feeling. Thus serving you better than the lower emotions.
- If anger is disapproved of or invalidated and discouraged, it will built up and snowball in the direction of hatred, revenge, rage and murder.
- Should you feel enraged, is it better to not act immediately on the feeling. Just feel and acknowledge it, until it subsides and then decide on the action you want to take.
- Anger is a self-preservation instinct, and from this perspective – it tells you that your personal boundaries have been violated. If you are angry with yourself, you have violated your boundaries. If you are in disarray with another, that person/s has violated your personal boundaries.
- Should you slide around between anger and powerlessness, ask yourself what is it that makes you feel so powerless?
How do you deal with this strong emotion?
- Take three deep breaths and slowly release your breath to calm yourself. Focus for a while on your breath only.
- Never distract yourself or deny your dis-ease. Name it and feel it, but don’t act on it immediately. To distract yourself is to go do exercise or play video games, etc. You try to escape from the feelings.
- Acknowledge your feeling as valid and important. Don’t try to control it. Validate the reasons for your feelings and affirm it to yourself. Don’t pretend you do not feel it.
- Do you project your own emotions onto the other person/s ?
- Why would you project your emotions unto another?
- Really try to understand the other person’s point of view. Have empathy and compassion to yourself and the other person/s
- Anger is a symptom of something you must address – some value or belief that does not serve you!
- Find the root of your feeling:
- Ask yourself:
- What do I feel threatened by? Is it fear for being rejected? Fear for losing love? Fear to be outcasted?
- Why do I feel threatened by this thing? What will happen to me?
- What about this is hurting me so much? Do I feel humiliated?, Do I feel left out?
- Why is this hurting me so much? Do I feel worthless, not enough, not significant?
- What need do I have to meet? Do I need comfort, acceptance as person, acknowledgement?
- When you know the real reason, express yourself in a honest way to the other person
- It takes courage to be vulnerable to express yourself authentically, but worthwhile to your relationships.
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Till next time