Throughout life things happen to us, that hurt us, we don’t like, or would prefer that it never happened to us. We cannot control events that occur, but we can control how we deal with those life events that disturb us emotionally.
All of us have a set of internal rules that we live by and unconditionally accept as true. More is that these rules are our judge and jury at the same time. Every time you get upset with someone’s behavior, even your own, you or that person is trespassing one or more of your personal rules. You have a set of fixed rules that must be met in every situation or decision you take.
Say for instance your rule on being loving state: ‘my husband loves me, when he speak to me in a tender voice’. – Then one day your partner comes home, irritated from some work issue, snap at you, and start talking louder and louder as his emotions revs up… you may immediately start pondering on what did you do wrong? The situation can be experienced by you as an unloving act from him.
If you do not alter your rule and bring into perspective, (e.g adapting your rule) your whole evening will be ruined; you feeling unloved because your rule states: ‘it is an unloving act to raise your voice!’ On the other hand his rule may be: ‘I feel this way, I am allowed to say how I feel in whatever voice’. In this case he won’t understand what your problem is, why you felt offended, because of his rule on the situation. His rule has in fact nothing to do with being loving or not! He was just venting! To change your rule e.g. to ‘everybody gets upset for some reason, but it will blow over…’ you can stay in control of your own feelings without accompanying swirling thoughts.
Especially in relationships it important to first understand why you get upset. What are rendering you in the state from which you feel and act? Should you not be aware of these ‘internal rules’ creating misunderstandings or misinterpretations, havoc in a relationship is inevitable.
Harboring disturbing thoughts and feelings will soon disrupt your sleep and eat patterns. It will lock you in this cycle of recurring bad feelings in a swirling negative energy field. Lingering in this cycle of negative thinking, attracts more negative and bad situations into your life. The blame-game starts, resentment feature and you create more reasons or excuses for all the ‘unacceptable’ situations in your life! Later on you may feel overwhelmed, and that there seems to be no way out. You losing hope that your life will ever be fine again. Stressed and depressed, you just can’t let go of these thoughts! This hopeless negative energy field envelope your whole being. But by conscious choice you can move out.
You can escape this cycle! When you become aware of your inner rules and expectations that guide your thoughts and feelings, you can change a specific thought pattern and turn it around to your benefit. Look out for the opposite of the current thought pattern. Once you become aware of your personal rules, you are in a position to control your thoughts, your limiting rules. You can change those destructive rules to rules of being more accepting, tolerant and kind towards self and others.
When thinking in similar ways on other areas of your life, you may feel vulnerable, getting frustrated, feel bad, get upset, and more than often get angry at people you think caused you trouble or did you wrong. These bad memories tend to linger in your mind, withholding you from living free and to the full. Memories come unexpectedly, consume your thoughts, make your stomach turn and keep you captured in tense emotional states of dis-ease.
These memories and thoughts have a tendency to remind you of all the other bad stuff that happened, which you did not want in your life, when you felt cheated, that any good coming your way is blocked, leaving you doubting your decisions and abilities…
Be aware of the thoughts you focus on. Check on recurring thoughts. It constantly influences your state of mind, your feelings and the actions you take. Re-structure those rigid rules that destroy your peacefulness and create new rules that support you, leaving you emotionally free!
Till next time